I think I struggle writing this post more than the last one. I think in the beginning when I decided to restart this blog, I told myself to be a little bit more honest no matter how hard it is. However, I still struggle with it. People in my life know that I have hard time with being open and saying what it is on my mind, especially regarding this topic. Even after couple years, it is still hard for me to talk about it. I don't know if I will ever feel completely comfortable talking about it, but I am willing to get there.
December of 2013, my sisters and I went to New York. I knew going beforehand that it was going to be a tough trip. I knew my family members were going to see me and say that I got too skinny. I had lost a lot of weight since the last time they saw me but it still hurted being judged like that way. I remember during this time putting on a lot of clothes to cover my body. I mean it worked out that it was winter, but I did because I didn't want to be noticed anymore. I just wanted to be treated like others.I think this is where I really started binge eating. I would eat more than I need to in front of people just to show that I eat. However, I started actually eating that way in the middle of the night.
I started to gain weight and I got people off my back finally. It is funny just because you look less skinnier that people assume you are healthier. I might have been at a normal weight, but the voices in my head to eat this or not eat that was constantly there. I was still not emotionally and mentally healthy yet. I continued to binge eating the freshman year. Sometimes, I still do. Honestly, I still struggle with it today but it has got a lot better.
Today, I am in a better place. I could lose about 10 pounds and be more active. However, I think I am a little bit healthier today because I no longer obsess over the number on the scale. It has been couple months since I have checked my weight. My dad recently asked me why I don't check my weight. I told him that I didn't want a number to define who I am or determine how I feel that day. I don't want to think whether I should skip a meal or be on my diet just because of the number on the weighing machine. I still struggle with these thoughts today. It is a daily battle and I get scared that I might go back to that pattern if I try to lose weight again, but I think it is about balance. It is important to nourish my body and treat it with kindness.However, it is okay to splurge and treat myself. I realized that if I overeat one day that it is okay. Instead of punishing myself, I should forgive myself and try to do better the next time. I am the individual that I am today not because of the number on the scale but because of the who I am.
I don't this kind of disorder on anyone. It not only affects you, but also your loved ones. I can't imagine how difficult it was for the people in my life to see me on this self-destructive path.There is a part of me wishes that I didn't think go through it. However, I learned how much I am loved. Despite of my actions and behavior, my friends and family still loved me. I also gained a lot of respect and empathy for people who struggle with the same thing. A lot of people assume that it is a choice to be skinny. It initially might be, but it turns into a war with your own mind. There were days where I just wanted the voices in my head to quiet down. After a while, it eventually did. I also learned to be more kind to others. I try to be more understanding and be there for people when they have problems. I realized that everyone has problems and it is important for people to be there for each other despite their differences. It is important for us to be careful of what we say to a person because you never know their story. it is important for us to be more kind and loving. We need to love a person for who they are. If a person is in trouble, instead of criticizing them, be there for them. Don't degrade, belittle, or treat them like a sick person. Show them love and compassion.
I am grateful that I was able to come out on the other side. It was through the grace of God and the tears of many that I was lucky enough to get through it. Maybe, I had to go through this so that I could be a better person who is understanding of others and their problems. Or maybe it is a lesson to be more aware of what how I treat others. Whatever, it may be, through this circumstance, I have become more kind and compassionate person. This is something that I will never regret.
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Saturday, June 18, 2016
The Truth About Eating Disorders: Part 1
I ate a cup of ice cream yesterday.If you had told me two years ago that I would be eating that, I would have laughed at you.However, a lot has changed since then.See, two or three years ago, somewhere between or after junior year, I started to see food differently. Prior to junior year, I was a little overweight.Summer after sophomore year, I decided to get on a treadmill and start to be a little active.I also tried to eat more healthier by cutting out certain foods and controlling portion size. Little did I know that it would turn straight up into an obsession.
I honestly don't remember when it started, but I started noticing feeling anxious or fear over certain foods.I used to think that I didn't want to waste those calories that I tried so hard to burn.I would say no to almost any unhealthy food.Even after losing some weight and being at a normal weight, I still didn't feel good about myself.I think my family started noticing this and even told me that I look fine and there is no harm in splurging every now and then.However, it used to go right over my head. I was so worried that if I eat certain foods that I would go back to where I was before. It started to get a lot worse summer before senior and beginning of senior year.At this point, I was straight up obsessed with counting calories.My parents had basically banned me from going on the treadmill because they were so worried about me. However, any physical activity, even walking, I wondered how many calories I had burned.If I ate a piece of chocolate, I wondered how many calories I ate.All I could think about is calories.It became an unhealthy obsession and it was a voice in my head that I couldn't quiet down.Before, I know it, I was about 110 pounds in a matter of months.
Everyone at this point was so concerned about me, but I was in so much denial.I had lost so much weight at this point and my clothes were sagging. I thought I looked okay so I continued what I was doing.In the mornings before school, I would wake up before everyone else and do some jumping jacks, some sit ups, and whatever else I could do.Then, I would take a cup and put a little bit of milk and little bit of cereal that had no sugar or anything really.I would take lunch sometimes, but I would nitpick it or just not eat it.I remember being so tired and cold all the time.I didn't really feel a lot of hunger after a while.However, my mind was so motivated to look a certain way.No one really knew what to do to stop me from going down this dangerous road.I used to get into fights with my parents and I would almost always end up in tears.They would watch how and what I ate.It was horrible. I was miserable.I would shut everyone out and would despise anyone who would talk about how I looked. I remember sitting one day and having this conversation with God. I remember telling him how I don't think I was meant for this life and how he might have made a mistake in making me. It just got so dark for me. I felt so sad and depressed.The worst of it all was when people would criticize me in how I looked.They had a look of pity, concern, or disgust.They no longer saw me for who I was. I started to avoid seeing people and going to events or parties because I just couldn't deal with being noticed anymore. I just wanted to hide under a rock all the time.
This is where I am going to end it for today... The rest will be up tomorrow!
I honestly don't remember when it started, but I started noticing feeling anxious or fear over certain foods.I used to think that I didn't want to waste those calories that I tried so hard to burn.I would say no to almost any unhealthy food.Even after losing some weight and being at a normal weight, I still didn't feel good about myself.I think my family started noticing this and even told me that I look fine and there is no harm in splurging every now and then.However, it used to go right over my head. I was so worried that if I eat certain foods that I would go back to where I was before. It started to get a lot worse summer before senior and beginning of senior year.At this point, I was straight up obsessed with counting calories.My parents had basically banned me from going on the treadmill because they were so worried about me. However, any physical activity, even walking, I wondered how many calories I had burned.If I ate a piece of chocolate, I wondered how many calories I ate.All I could think about is calories.It became an unhealthy obsession and it was a voice in my head that I couldn't quiet down.Before, I know it, I was about 110 pounds in a matter of months.
Everyone at this point was so concerned about me, but I was in so much denial.I had lost so much weight at this point and my clothes were sagging. I thought I looked okay so I continued what I was doing.In the mornings before school, I would wake up before everyone else and do some jumping jacks, some sit ups, and whatever else I could do.Then, I would take a cup and put a little bit of milk and little bit of cereal that had no sugar or anything really.I would take lunch sometimes, but I would nitpick it or just not eat it.I remember being so tired and cold all the time.I didn't really feel a lot of hunger after a while.However, my mind was so motivated to look a certain way.No one really knew what to do to stop me from going down this dangerous road.I used to get into fights with my parents and I would almost always end up in tears.They would watch how and what I ate.It was horrible. I was miserable.I would shut everyone out and would despise anyone who would talk about how I looked. I remember sitting one day and having this conversation with God. I remember telling him how I don't think I was meant for this life and how he might have made a mistake in making me. It just got so dark for me. I felt so sad and depressed.The worst of it all was when people would criticize me in how I looked.They had a look of pity, concern, or disgust.They no longer saw me for who I was. I started to avoid seeing people and going to events or parties because I just couldn't deal with being noticed anymore. I just wanted to hide under a rock all the time.
This is where I am going to end it for today... The rest will be up tomorrow!
Friday, June 17, 2016
Three Years Later and A Little Wiser...Maybe
It has been over three years later since I have last blogged. I honestly thought that I would not come back to it ever again but here I am... again. I make no promises of being consist with it, but I felt like I needed to get back with blogging.
See, the reason why I started writing is because I thought that I had the courage to say what was in my heart and be open to saying my thoughts and feelings. However, being the private person I am, I found it difficult to being so open about things. I always get crap with my friends and family for not being so open. They would say that they never knew what I was thinking. However, I am learning that its not necessarily healthy to being so private all the time. I am learning that its okay to let people in and let them hear what I have to say. What better way to do all this than blogging?
Now that all the deep stuff is over, here is an update at what is happening in my life. I am nineteen years old, almost twenty. Yikes! I will start my junior year at University of Arizona in Tucson this year. I am currently majoring in Physiology and minoring in Psychology.After my undergrad, I am planning to go into Pharmacy school. I used to live in an apartment with my older sister for two years, but she is done with school, so now my little sister is going to move in with me. I have learned that it is easier to say these things than to actually go through it.College, I have learned is a whole another ball game. It is definitely not easy and it is a hard slap in the face of reality. However, I am enjoying being independent and learning how to do things on my own. I am that kid who has to be pushed off the cliff by my parents because I was too scared to jump. However, I am enjoying figuring it out and dealing with new challenges every day.
There is my quick little update and I am excited to continue blogging!
See, the reason why I started writing is because I thought that I had the courage to say what was in my heart and be open to saying my thoughts and feelings. However, being the private person I am, I found it difficult to being so open about things. I always get crap with my friends and family for not being so open. They would say that they never knew what I was thinking. However, I am learning that its not necessarily healthy to being so private all the time. I am learning that its okay to let people in and let them hear what I have to say. What better way to do all this than blogging?
Now that all the deep stuff is over, here is an update at what is happening in my life. I am nineteen years old, almost twenty. Yikes! I will start my junior year at University of Arizona in Tucson this year. I am currently majoring in Physiology and minoring in Psychology.After my undergrad, I am planning to go into Pharmacy school. I used to live in an apartment with my older sister for two years, but she is done with school, so now my little sister is going to move in with me. I have learned that it is easier to say these things than to actually go through it.College, I have learned is a whole another ball game. It is definitely not easy and it is a hard slap in the face of reality. However, I am enjoying being independent and learning how to do things on my own. I am that kid who has to be pushed off the cliff by my parents because I was too scared to jump. However, I am enjoying figuring it out and dealing with new challenges every day.
There is my quick little update and I am excited to continue blogging!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Disappointment
There you are sitting, kicking yourself for not making it or for making the wrong decision. The utter feeling of disappointment that floods over your soul for working so hard and not making it. You would think that there couldn't be a more worse feeling? WRONG! As you sit there and beat yourself up, you look at the loved one across you with that sad look on their face. You know that you have disappointed them too. If you were to ask me, that is the worst feeling in the world. The feeling that you have not only let yourself down, but someone else as well.
When disappointment comes, hope dies within us. We feel even worse when there is a person who is shaking their head disappointed by the failures in our life. We assume that it is the end of the world and nothing good is going to sprout from this state that we are in . We have all been there - whether it is failing a test, choosing a dead beat career, or making a dumb choice - we feel like we are at a dead end. We have no where to go and life is officially over. Guess what?? If you are reading this right now that means you are still alive. We are only at a dead end when we are DEAD!! Yeah, so you have disappointed yourself and others along the way, but you are still breathing. Breathing is a good thing. It means that there are new doors and opportunities out there for you. People may think otherwise, but I say that life is too short to care about what every person think of you. Life is too short to think about all the people you have disappointed. Someone is always going to be disappointed no matter what you do. You can't live a life where you try to please everyone and be miserable. You may be stuck but you are definitely not at a dead end. As long as you are alive there is always a way to be better and do better. The feeling of disappointment is an emotion - an emotion that does not have to be permanent. So today, lift your chin up, stop beating yourself up, learn from your mistakes, and kick BUTT in life because time is too precious to let it pass it by.
When disappointment comes, hope dies within us. We feel even worse when there is a person who is shaking their head disappointed by the failures in our life. We assume that it is the end of the world and nothing good is going to sprout from this state that we are in . We have all been there - whether it is failing a test, choosing a dead beat career, or making a dumb choice - we feel like we are at a dead end. We have no where to go and life is officially over. Guess what?? If you are reading this right now that means you are still alive. We are only at a dead end when we are DEAD!! Yeah, so you have disappointed yourself and others along the way, but you are still breathing. Breathing is a good thing. It means that there are new doors and opportunities out there for you. People may think otherwise, but I say that life is too short to care about what every person think of you. Life is too short to think about all the people you have disappointed. Someone is always going to be disappointed no matter what you do. You can't live a life where you try to please everyone and be miserable. You may be stuck but you are definitely not at a dead end. As long as you are alive there is always a way to be better and do better. The feeling of disappointment is an emotion - an emotion that does not have to be permanent. So today, lift your chin up, stop beating yourself up, learn from your mistakes, and kick BUTT in life because time is too precious to let it pass it by.
Back on!
It is 3: 47 AM and I should be sleeping, but I realized it is summer and there is nothing much to do. I decided that it is time for me to get back on here and restart my writing life! So expect more posts this summer - mostly random and stuff that makes no sense. Hopefully it is not as painful for you to read as it is for me to write:)
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Hola!!
I haven't been blogged in a while and I thought that I should check in before the summer ends. I am not sure where to start with this summer, but it sure does feels like it is flying by. I felt like half of this summer was spent looking forward to going to New York. Since last November, we have been waiting for this summer and I got to say it was worth the wait!! New York was such a fun trip!!! We were able to spent a lot of time with family and meet some very special people!! Throughout the trip, we did a lot of things, but there were few highlights.
Highlight #1: The first meet with everyone after 4 years. I was a little nervous to see everyone after 4 years, but somehow it all kind of worked out.
Highlight # 2 : Getting a pedicure/ manicure. Never had one. One of the best experiences ever. Planning to get another one.
Highlight # 3 : The family barbecue. It was really hot, but the food was amazing.
Highlight # 4 : Drive to Philadelphia: Awkward and stinky in the beginning. Fun and stinky by the end.
Highlight # 5: The wedding. It was the second wedding that I had been to and one of the best ones. Everyone seemed to put on a smile and cover their dark circles from the lack of sleep. My cousin looked Ahh-mazing!!
Highlight # 6 : Drive back to New York. This is not really a highlight because we slept through most of the ride.
Highlight # 7: Playing Mafia. Just writing the word " Mafia" makes me smile:) I was a terrible killer. Nevertheless, I had fun accusing and being accused by people especially a particular person who I am not going to mention:) He had a lot of fun trying to kill me and my sisters.
Highlight # 8 : Going to the diner in Yonkers. I don't remember the name of the diner but it was really good.
Highlight # 9 : Going to the subway to get to the city. One word: Terrifying. I was so afraid to look at anyone because I was worried someone would go all crazy on me. I looked at the dirty subway floor for most of the time. Fortunately, I got out of there safely.
Highlight # 10: Meeting the people from my uncle's church. Everyone was really nice and sweet to us. There may have been few who didn't really like us because we were falling asleep in church. There is no excuse for it, but I got to say I tried my best and I did good for someone who was running on 5 hours of sleep.
Highlight # 11: Going to Piermount Pier.The view from there was really pretty. We could have almost crashed a wedding, but we just watched from the sideline. I guess I could say I have been to three weddings:)
Highlight # 12 : Playing Camps. I have never played it before, but it was definitely fun. I was slow at it but I got the hang of it by the next day.
Highlight # 13: The humidity. We were all able to withstand and beat the humidity - including my hair.
These were most of the highlights from the trip. It is crazy to know that all of this happened in a matter of 10 days. It was sad to leave New York, but it was good to know that we were leaving after meeting everyone we wanted to meet. I can't wait for the next New York trip!!
Highlight #1: The first meet with everyone after 4 years. I was a little nervous to see everyone after 4 years, but somehow it all kind of worked out.
Highlight # 2 : Getting a pedicure/ manicure. Never had one. One of the best experiences ever. Planning to get another one.
Highlight # 3 : The family barbecue. It was really hot, but the food was amazing.
Highlight # 4 : Drive to Philadelphia: Awkward and stinky in the beginning. Fun and stinky by the end.
Highlight # 5: The wedding. It was the second wedding that I had been to and one of the best ones. Everyone seemed to put on a smile and cover their dark circles from the lack of sleep. My cousin looked Ahh-mazing!!
Highlight # 6 : Drive back to New York. This is not really a highlight because we slept through most of the ride.
Highlight # 7: Playing Mafia. Just writing the word " Mafia" makes me smile:) I was a terrible killer. Nevertheless, I had fun accusing and being accused by people especially a particular person who I am not going to mention:) He had a lot of fun trying to kill me and my sisters.
Highlight # 8 : Going to the diner in Yonkers. I don't remember the name of the diner but it was really good.
Highlight # 9 : Going to the subway to get to the city. One word: Terrifying. I was so afraid to look at anyone because I was worried someone would go all crazy on me. I looked at the dirty subway floor for most of the time. Fortunately, I got out of there safely.
Highlight # 10: Meeting the people from my uncle's church. Everyone was really nice and sweet to us. There may have been few who didn't really like us because we were falling asleep in church. There is no excuse for it, but I got to say I tried my best and I did good for someone who was running on 5 hours of sleep.
Highlight # 11: Going to Piermount Pier.The view from there was really pretty. We could have almost crashed a wedding, but we just watched from the sideline. I guess I could say I have been to three weddings:)
Highlight # 12 : Playing Camps. I have never played it before, but it was definitely fun. I was slow at it but I got the hang of it by the next day.
Highlight # 13: The humidity. We were all able to withstand and beat the humidity - including my hair.
These were most of the highlights from the trip. It is crazy to know that all of this happened in a matter of 10 days. It was sad to leave New York, but it was good to know that we were leaving after meeting everyone we wanted to meet. I can't wait for the next New York trip!!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
NY!!!
I will be heading to New York and I am so excited!!! I haven't been there for four years and I am really eager to see how everyone is doing now.The two things that I am worried about are my frizzy hair and my awkwardness.
It is a little weird and superficial for me to say that I am worried about my hair, but I really think that my hair is one of the craziest and most unmanageable hair in the world. My hair is so poofy to the point where it could scare the living and wake up the dead. I might be exaggerating a little bit about the last part:) I was thinking that if my hair is this poofy in AZ that it might double in size by the time I get out of JFK airport. I have heard that it is really humid in New York and I really hope that it is not bad as it people say. If it is, I really hope my hair will behave:)
The other thing that I am anxious about is meeting people. Especially new people. I am not the greatest person in meeting and greeting. I tend to be really awkward and quiet. It takes me a while to warm up to people. I hope that I don't weird anyone out and say something dumb. If I do, I apologize in advance.
On the other hand, I am really excited to go to New York to see my cousin getting married! There is something joyous about being at weddings. I think it is beautiful to see a journey and a life beginning in front of my eyes. This is going to be the first family wedding that I am going to witness so it is really special.
I am also excited to see familiar faces and catch up with them. I am excited to see the city again and see new places. On that note, New York, HERE I COME!!!!:)
It is a little weird and superficial for me to say that I am worried about my hair, but I really think that my hair is one of the craziest and most unmanageable hair in the world. My hair is so poofy to the point where it could scare the living and wake up the dead. I might be exaggerating a little bit about the last part:) I was thinking that if my hair is this poofy in AZ that it might double in size by the time I get out of JFK airport. I have heard that it is really humid in New York and I really hope that it is not bad as it people say. If it is, I really hope my hair will behave:)
The other thing that I am anxious about is meeting people. Especially new people. I am not the greatest person in meeting and greeting. I tend to be really awkward and quiet. It takes me a while to warm up to people. I hope that I don't weird anyone out and say something dumb. If I do, I apologize in advance.
On the other hand, I am really excited to go to New York to see my cousin getting married! There is something joyous about being at weddings. I think it is beautiful to see a journey and a life beginning in front of my eyes. This is going to be the first family wedding that I am going to witness so it is really special.
I am also excited to see familiar faces and catch up with them. I am excited to see the city again and see new places. On that note, New York, HERE I COME!!!!:)
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