The Truth About Eating Disorders: Part 1

       I ate a cup of ice cream yesterday.If you had told me two years ago that I would be eating that, I would have laughed at you.However, a lot has changed since then.See, two or three years ago, somewhere between or after junior year, I started to see food differently. Prior to junior year, I was a little overweight.Summer after sophomore year, I decided to get on a treadmill and start to be a little active.I also tried to eat more healthier by cutting out certain foods and controlling portion size.  Little did I know that it would turn straight up into an obsession.
     I honestly don't remember when it started, but I started noticing feeling anxious or fear over certain foods.I used to think that I didn't want to waste those calories that I tried so hard to burn.I would say no to almost any unhealthy food.Even after losing some weight and being at a normal weight, I still didn't feel good about myself.I think my family started noticing this and even told me that I look fine and there is no harm in splurging every now and then.However, it used to go right over my head. I was so worried that if I eat certain foods that I would go back to where I was before. It started to get a lot worse summer before senior and beginning of senior year.At this point, I was straight up obsessed with counting calories.My parents had basically banned me from going on the treadmill because they were so worried about me. However, any physical activity, even walking, I  wondered how many calories I had burned.If I ate a piece of chocolate, I wondered how many calories I ate.All I could think about is calories.It became an unhealthy obsession and it was a voice in my head that I couldn't quiet down.Before, I know it, I was about 110 pounds in a matter of months.
     Everyone at this point was so concerned about me, but I was in so much denial.I had lost so much weight at this point and my clothes were sagging. I thought I looked okay so I continued what I was doing.In the mornings before school, I would wake up before everyone else and do some jumping jacks, some sit ups, and whatever else I could do.Then, I would take a cup and put a little bit of milk and little bit of cereal that had no sugar or anything really.I would take lunch sometimes, but I would nitpick it or just not eat it.I remember being so tired and cold all the time.I didn't really feel a lot of hunger after a while.However, my mind was so motivated to look a certain way.No one really knew what to do to stop me from going down this dangerous road.I used to get into fights with my parents and I would almost always end up in tears.They would watch how and what I ate.It was horrible. I was miserable.I would shut everyone out and would despise anyone who would talk about how I looked. I remember sitting one day and having this conversation with God. I remember telling him how I don't think I was meant for this life and how he might have made a mistake in making me. It just got so dark for me. I felt so sad and depressed.The worst of it all was when people would criticize me in how I looked.They had a look of pity, concern, or disgust.They no longer saw me for who I was. I started to avoid seeing people and going to events or parties because I just couldn't deal with being noticed anymore. I just wanted to hide under a rock all the time.
    This is where I am going to end it for today... The rest will be up tomorrow!

Three Years Later and A Little Wiser...Maybe

          It has been over three years later since I have last blogged. I honestly thought that I would not come back to it ever again but here I am... again. I make no promises of being consist with it, but I felt like I needed to get back with blogging.
          See, the reason why I started writing is because I thought that I had the courage to say what was in my heart and be open to saying my thoughts and feelings. However, being the private person I am, I found it difficult to being so open about things. I always get crap with my friends and family for not being so open. They would say that they never knew what I was thinking. However, I am learning that its not necessarily healthy to being so private all the time. I am learning that its okay to let people in and let them hear what I have to say. What better way to do all this than blogging?
         Now that all the deep stuff is over, here is an update at what is happening in my life. I am nineteen years old, almost twenty. Yikes! I will start my junior year at University of Arizona in Tucson this year.  I am currently majoring in Physiology and minoring in Psychology.After my undergrad, I am planning to go into Pharmacy school. I used to live in an apartment with my older sister for two years, but she is done with school, so now my little sister is going to move in with me. I have learned that it is easier to say these things than to actually go through it.College, I have learned is a whole another ball game. It is definitely not easy and it is a hard slap in the face of reality. However, I am enjoying being independent and learning how to do things on my own. I am that kid who has to be pushed off the cliff by my parents because I was too scared to jump. However, I am enjoying  figuring it out and dealing with new challenges every day.
        There is my quick little update and I am excited to continue blogging!