I ate a cup of ice cream yesterday.If you had told me two years ago that I would be eating that, I would have laughed at you.However, a lot has changed since then.See, two or three years ago, somewhere between or after junior year, I started to see food differently. Prior to junior year, I was a little overweight.Summer after sophomore year, I decided to get on a treadmill and start to be a little active.I also tried to eat more healthier by cutting out certain foods and controlling portion size. Little did I know that it would turn straight up into an obsession.
I honestly don't remember when it started, but I started noticing feeling anxious or fear over certain foods.I used to think that I didn't want to waste those calories that I tried so hard to burn.I would say no to almost any unhealthy food.Even after losing some weight and being at a normal weight, I still didn't feel good about myself.I think my family started noticing this and even told me that I look fine and there is no harm in splurging every now and then.However, it used to go right over my head. I was so worried that if I eat certain foods that I would go back to where I was before. It started to get a lot worse summer before senior and beginning of senior year.At this point, I was straight up obsessed with counting calories.My parents had basically banned me from going on the treadmill because they were so worried about me. However, any physical activity, even walking, I wondered how many calories I had burned.If I ate a piece of chocolate, I wondered how many calories I ate.All I could think about is calories.It became an unhealthy obsession and it was a voice in my head that I couldn't quiet down.Before, I know it, I was about 110 pounds in a matter of months.
Everyone at this point was so concerned about me, but I was in so much denial.I had lost so much weight at this point and my clothes were sagging. I thought I looked okay so I continued what I was doing.In the mornings before school, I would wake up before everyone else and do some jumping jacks, some sit ups, and whatever else I could do.Then, I would take a cup and put a little bit of milk and little bit of cereal that had no sugar or anything really.I would take lunch sometimes, but I would nitpick it or just not eat it.I remember being so tired and cold all the time.I didn't really feel a lot of hunger after a while.However, my mind was so motivated to look a certain way.No one really knew what to do to stop me from going down this dangerous road.I used to get into fights with my parents and I would almost always end up in tears.They would watch how and what I ate.It was horrible. I was miserable.I would shut everyone out and would despise anyone who would talk about how I looked. I remember sitting one day and having this conversation with God. I remember telling him how I don't think I was meant for this life and how he might have made a mistake in making me. It just got so dark for me. I felt so sad and depressed.The worst of it all was when people would criticize me in how I looked.They had a look of pity, concern, or disgust.They no longer saw me for who I was. I started to avoid seeing people and going to events or parties because I just couldn't deal with being noticed anymore. I just wanted to hide under a rock all the time.
This is where I am going to end it for today... The rest will be up tomorrow!
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