The Truth About Eating Disorders: Part 2

   I think I struggle writing this post more than the last one. I think in the beginning when I decided to restart this blog, I told myself to be a little bit more honest no matter how hard it is. However, I still struggle with it. People in my life know that I have hard time with being open and saying what it is on my mind, especially regarding this topic. Even after couple years, it is still hard for me to talk about it.  I don't know if I will ever feel completely comfortable talking about it, but I am willing to get there.
              December of 2013, my sisters and I went to New York. I knew going beforehand that it was going to be a tough trip. I knew my family members were going to see me and say that I got too skinny. I had lost a lot of weight since the last time they saw me but it still hurted being judged like that way.  I remember during this time putting on a lot of clothes to cover my body. I mean it worked out that it was winter, but I did because I didn't want to be noticed anymore. I just wanted to be treated like others.I think this is where I really started binge eating. I would eat more than I need to in front of people just to show that I eat. However, I started actually eating that way in the middle of the night.
             I started to gain weight and I got people off my back finally. It is funny just because you look less skinnier that people assume you are healthier. I might have been at a normal weight, but the voices in my head to eat this or not eat that was constantly there. I was still not emotionally and mentally healthy yet. I continued to binge eating the freshman year. Sometimes, I still do. Honestly, I still struggle with it today but it has got a lot better.
            Today, I am in a better place. I could lose about 10 pounds and be more active. However, I think I am a little bit healthier today because I no longer obsess over the number on the scale. It has been couple months since I have checked my weight.  My dad recently asked me why I don't check my weight. I told him that I didn't want a number to define who I am or determine how I feel that day.  I don't want to think whether I should skip a meal or be on my diet just because of the number on the weighing machine. I still struggle with these thoughts today. It is a daily battle and I get scared that I might go back to that pattern if I try to lose weight again, but I think it is about balance. It is important to nourish my body and treat it with kindness.However, it is okay to splurge and treat myself. I realized that if I overeat one day that it is okay. Instead of punishing myself, I should  forgive myself and try to do better the next time. I am the individual that I am today not because of the number on the scale but because of the who I am.
          I don't this kind of disorder on anyone. It not only affects you, but also your loved ones. I can't imagine how difficult it was for the people in my life to see me on this  self-destructive path.There is a part of me wishes that I didn't think go through it. However, I learned how much I am loved. Despite of my actions and behavior, my friends and family still loved me. I also gained a lot of respect and empathy for people who struggle with the same thing.  A lot of people assume that it is a choice to be skinny. It initially might be, but it turns into a war with your  own mind. There were days where I just wanted the voices in my head to quiet down. After a while,  it eventually did. I also learned to be more kind to others. I try to be more understanding and be there for people when they have problems. I realized that everyone has problems and it is important for people to be there for each other despite their differences. It is important for us to be careful of what we say to a person because you never know their story. it is important for us to be more kind and loving. We need  to love a person for who they are. If a person is in trouble, instead of criticizing them, be there for them. Don't degrade, belittle, or treat them like a sick person. Show them love and compassion.
          I am grateful that I was able to come out on the other side. It was through the grace of God and the tears of many that I was lucky enough to get through it. Maybe, I had to go through this so that I could be a better person who is understanding of others and their problems. Or maybe it is a lesson to  be more aware of what how I treat others. Whatever, it may be, through this circumstance, I have become more kind and compassionate person. This is something that I will never regret.

The Truth About Eating Disorders: Part 1

       I ate a cup of ice cream yesterday.If you had told me two years ago that I would be eating that, I would have laughed at you.However, a lot has changed since then.See, two or three years ago, somewhere between or after junior year, I started to see food differently. Prior to junior year, I was a little overweight.Summer after sophomore year, I decided to get on a treadmill and start to be a little active.I also tried to eat more healthier by cutting out certain foods and controlling portion size.  Little did I know that it would turn straight up into an obsession.
     I honestly don't remember when it started, but I started noticing feeling anxious or fear over certain foods.I used to think that I didn't want to waste those calories that I tried so hard to burn.I would say no to almost any unhealthy food.Even after losing some weight and being at a normal weight, I still didn't feel good about myself.I think my family started noticing this and even told me that I look fine and there is no harm in splurging every now and then.However, it used to go right over my head. I was so worried that if I eat certain foods that I would go back to where I was before. It started to get a lot worse summer before senior and beginning of senior year.At this point, I was straight up obsessed with counting calories.My parents had basically banned me from going on the treadmill because they were so worried about me. However, any physical activity, even walking, I  wondered how many calories I had burned.If I ate a piece of chocolate, I wondered how many calories I ate.All I could think about is calories.It became an unhealthy obsession and it was a voice in my head that I couldn't quiet down.Before, I know it, I was about 110 pounds in a matter of months.
     Everyone at this point was so concerned about me, but I was in so much denial.I had lost so much weight at this point and my clothes were sagging. I thought I looked okay so I continued what I was doing.In the mornings before school, I would wake up before everyone else and do some jumping jacks, some sit ups, and whatever else I could do.Then, I would take a cup and put a little bit of milk and little bit of cereal that had no sugar or anything really.I would take lunch sometimes, but I would nitpick it or just not eat it.I remember being so tired and cold all the time.I didn't really feel a lot of hunger after a while.However, my mind was so motivated to look a certain way.No one really knew what to do to stop me from going down this dangerous road.I used to get into fights with my parents and I would almost always end up in tears.They would watch how and what I ate.It was horrible. I was miserable.I would shut everyone out and would despise anyone who would talk about how I looked. I remember sitting one day and having this conversation with God. I remember telling him how I don't think I was meant for this life and how he might have made a mistake in making me. It just got so dark for me. I felt so sad and depressed.The worst of it all was when people would criticize me in how I looked.They had a look of pity, concern, or disgust.They no longer saw me for who I was. I started to avoid seeing people and going to events or parties because I just couldn't deal with being noticed anymore. I just wanted to hide under a rock all the time.
    This is where I am going to end it for today... The rest will be up tomorrow!

Three Years Later and A Little Wiser...Maybe

          It has been over three years later since I have last blogged. I honestly thought that I would not come back to it ever again but here I am... again. I make no promises of being consist with it, but I felt like I needed to get back with blogging.
          See, the reason why I started writing is because I thought that I had the courage to say what was in my heart and be open to saying my thoughts and feelings. However, being the private person I am, I found it difficult to being so open about things. I always get crap with my friends and family for not being so open. They would say that they never knew what I was thinking. However, I am learning that its not necessarily healthy to being so private all the time. I am learning that its okay to let people in and let them hear what I have to say. What better way to do all this than blogging?
         Now that all the deep stuff is over, here is an update at what is happening in my life. I am nineteen years old, almost twenty. Yikes! I will start my junior year at University of Arizona in Tucson this year.  I am currently majoring in Physiology and minoring in Psychology.After my undergrad, I am planning to go into Pharmacy school. I used to live in an apartment with my older sister for two years, but she is done with school, so now my little sister is going to move in with me. I have learned that it is easier to say these things than to actually go through it.College, I have learned is a whole another ball game. It is definitely not easy and it is a hard slap in the face of reality. However, I am enjoying being independent and learning how to do things on my own. I am that kid who has to be pushed off the cliff by my parents because I was too scared to jump. However, I am enjoying  figuring it out and dealing with new challenges every day.
        There is my quick little update and I am excited to continue blogging!