I think I struggle writing this post more than the last one. I think in the beginning when I decided to restart this blog, I told myself to be a little bit more honest no matter how hard it is. However, I still struggle with it. People in my life know that I have hard time with being open and saying what it is on my mind, especially regarding this topic. Even after couple years, it is still hard for me to talk about it. I don't know if I will ever feel completely comfortable talking about it, but I am willing to get there.
December of 2013, my sisters and I went to New York. I knew going beforehand that it was going to be a tough trip. I knew my family members were going to see me and say that I got too skinny. I had lost a lot of weight since the last time they saw me but it still hurted being judged like that way. I remember during this time putting on a lot of clothes to cover my body. I mean it worked out that it was winter, but I did because I didn't want to be noticed anymore. I just wanted to be treated like others.I think this is where I really started binge eating. I would eat more than I need to in front of people just to show that I eat. However, I started actually eating that way in the middle of the night.
I started to gain weight and I got people off my back finally. It is funny just because you look less skinnier that people assume you are healthier. I might have been at a normal weight, but the voices in my head to eat this or not eat that was constantly there. I was still not emotionally and mentally healthy yet. I continued to binge eating the freshman year. Sometimes, I still do. Honestly, I still struggle with it today but it has got a lot better.
Today, I am in a better place. I could lose about 10 pounds and be more active. However, I think I am a little bit healthier today because I no longer obsess over the number on the scale. It has been couple months since I have checked my weight. My dad recently asked me why I don't check my weight. I told him that I didn't want a number to define who I am or determine how I feel that day. I don't want to think whether I should skip a meal or be on my diet just because of the number on the weighing machine. I still struggle with these thoughts today. It is a daily battle and I get scared that I might go back to that pattern if I try to lose weight again, but I think it is about balance. It is important to nourish my body and treat it with kindness.However, it is okay to splurge and treat myself. I realized that if I overeat one day that it is okay. Instead of punishing myself, I should forgive myself and try to do better the next time. I am the individual that I am today not because of the number on the scale but because of the who I am.
I don't this kind of disorder on anyone. It not only affects you, but also your loved ones. I can't imagine how difficult it was for the people in my life to see me on this self-destructive path.There is a part of me wishes that I didn't think go through it. However, I learned how much I am loved. Despite of my actions and behavior, my friends and family still loved me. I also gained a lot of respect and empathy for people who struggle with the same thing. A lot of people assume that it is a choice to be skinny. It initially might be, but it turns into a war with your own mind. There were days where I just wanted the voices in my head to quiet down. After a while, it eventually did. I also learned to be more kind to others. I try to be more understanding and be there for people when they have problems. I realized that everyone has problems and it is important for people to be there for each other despite their differences. It is important for us to be careful of what we say to a person because you never know their story. it is important for us to be more kind and loving. We need to love a person for who they are. If a person is in trouble, instead of criticizing them, be there for them. Don't degrade, belittle, or treat them like a sick person. Show them love and compassion.
I am grateful that I was able to come out on the other side. It was through the grace of God and the tears of many that I was lucky enough to get through it. Maybe, I had to go through this so that I could be a better person who is understanding of others and their problems. Or maybe it is a lesson to be more aware of what how I treat others. Whatever, it may be, through this circumstance, I have become more kind and compassionate person. This is something that I will never regret.
No comments:
Post a Comment